


Numb

by NeverBeenAWriter



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009, 2009 Dan Howell, 2009 Phil Lester, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Coping, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 13:12:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17725838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeverBeenAWriter/pseuds/NeverBeenAWriter
Summary: Dan spends a sleepless night alone as he tries to deal with his sudden lack of ability to feel.Written from personal experience.





	Numb

It was almost six in the morning and Dan was still laying awake in his bed. Not tired, despite not having slept in almost three days. He wished he’d feel tired, or awake, or happy, or sad… He just wished he’d feel something. He hadn’t felt anything for the past three days and part of him was starting to wonder if he was even alive.

 

There wasn’t some tragic event that caused his dissociated numbness, it wasn’t even a small event. He’d just woken up and felt nothing, and now days later he still felt nothing. He reached for his phone, texting Phil even though he knew he’d still be sleeping

 

**5:52 AM  
Dan: Guess who’s still not able to fall asleep?**

Although Dan hadn’t told anyone else about the way he was feeling, or about the fact that he felt this way often enough. Though it rarely lasted more then a day. He had told Phil, he told Phil everything, never even considered keeping things to himself. They were open books to each other, and Den felt safe and trusted knowing that.

 

Unsurprisingly he didn’t get a message back from his best friend, he would surely be asleep by now, having Uni classes in the morning he’d be expected to attend. Dan sighed. Sometimes it really sucked when the only true friend you had didn’t live close by. 

 

Sometimes he wished they could be neighbors, so on nights like this he could climb a tree up to Phil’s bedroom window and sneak in. It wasn’t realistic as he couldn’t climb trees very well, and doubted anyone slept with their window open but he’d seen it in many TV shows growing up and couldn’t help thinking about how nice it would be.

Dan rolled over checking the clock again and groaning.

**6:38 AM  
Dan: I’m so fucking over sleep! Like someone turn me into a vampire please. I hate the sun anyway. **

 

Dan had completely given up on sleep and decided to get up and walk around his room a bit, hoping maybe it would reset his brain. It didn’t work. Nothing worked. He felt so fucking bored because for days nothing peaked his interest, nothing mattered. He’d tried to cry, tried to feel something, anything. But no, there was nothing. Even skype calls with Phil didn’t feel right. He could laugh and smile but he knew there were mere reproductions of the feelings he should be having.

**6:49  
Dan: Phil? Will I be able to feel anything ever again?**

 

Dan’s fingers hesitated over the send button, he rarely liked to show Phil just how vulnerable he could be. There was never secrets between them, but he knew Phil worried so he would try to keep some of his darker thoughts to himself.

 

Dan flopped back down on his bed. He looked at his laptop on his nightstand and thought about trying to find a show that could hold his interest for at least a couple minutes but he couldn’t be bothered. He closed his eyes again, sitting in the silence and listening to his breaths.

 

Suddenly he heard his pone vibrate and reached for it, answering it instantly. He knew it was either Phil or a spam call, and at this point he needed something to do so badly that he’d take either.

 

“Dan, I seen your messages. Are you okay?” Phil asked. Dan could hear how panicked he was through the phone, even though he was clearly trying to sound calm. That’s why Dan sometimes kept things to himself, he hated hearing Phil scared.

 

Dan willed his brain to make his mouth move and for sound to come out, but he couldn’t. His voice failed him. “Daniel? Please, talk to me!” Phil said, this time not even attempting to keep his fear from creeping into his voice.

 

“Phil.” Was the only word Dan’s could manage. “Phil,” he said again softly. “Phil.”

 

“I’m here Dan, I’m right here,” Phil replied. “Take a second to breath, and then please tell me you’re alright.”

 

Dan did as Phil asked and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “I’m okay, I’m sorry I scared you.” 

 

“That’s okay,” Phil replied. “I’m just glad you’re safe.”

 

“Phil?” Dan questioned.

 

“What?” Phil responded. When Dan didn’t answer he spoke again. “Daniel, be honest with me, do I need to be concerned, should I call someone?”

 

Dan’s eyes got blurry and he realized there were tears on his face, he sobbed loudly, he didn’t know why he was crying when he still couldn’t feel.

 

“Shhhh, it’s okay Dan,” Phil said softly. “You’re okay, I’m here.”

 

“Phil…” Dan muttered. “I’m scared I won’t be able to feel ever again.”

 

Phil let out a puff of air that was clearly the start of a laugh. “Dan, you cry at video games and cartoons because you feel so much,” Phil reminded. “I seen you cry last week cause you seen a dog video that was too cute.” Dan heard himself laugh a bit and gasped. “You know, even if you stopped feeling things, I’d still be with you.”

 

Dan sobbed louder. “That’s what I’m most scared of,” he said in between uncontrollable noises. “I’m scared I won’t be able to feel how you make me feel.”

 

“And how is that?” Phil questioned.

 

“Like… Like I’m good enough, like I’m important, like I’m… Cared for.” Dan replied.

 

“If only you could really see how true that is,” Phil replied. “You are above and beyond, Dan. You are the best person in the world.”

 

Dan’s sobbing got louder. “That should make me happy, but it doesn’t!” Dan cried. “I still don’t feel anything!”

 

“Dan can you do something for me?” Phil asked. He didn’t get a response but he knew Dan well enough to know he was nodding. “Can you step outside for me? I think some fresh air might help a bit.” 

Dan felt like protesting. But he couldn’t be bothered, so instead he did as Phil said and headed outside to sit on his front step. His family had left that morning to go on a short vacation and now more then ever he was glad they weren’t around to see him like this. “Now I just feel nothing and I’m cold,” Dan said once he sat down on the cold stone steps.

 

“Cold is a feeling,” Phil said. “Now, can you close your eyes for me and tell me what you hear?”

 

“I hear an annoying prick telling me to do shit that won’t make a difference,” Dan said, frustrated.

 

Phil laughed it off. “Just do it. For me?”

 

Dan sighed. “I hear birds, wind, leaves…” He paused trying to focus. “There’s a dog somewhere, a lawn mower I think… And a car just turned onto the street.”

 

“Yes it did,” Phil replied. “Can you open your eyes for me now and tell me what you see?”

 

Dan rolled his eyes, but he opened them all the same. He watched as the car drove past… Wait… It stopped. He watched as the door opened, and as the only person he’d want to see right now stepped out. “PHIL!” he yelled. Much to loud for seven in the morning.

 

Phil laughed and hung up the phone, putting it in his pocket. He paid the taxi driver and took his suitcase from the car. He approached the shock frozen younger man and wiped his cheeks with the sleeve of his sweater. “I told you I was here for you,” he said resting his forehead against Dan’s.

 

“How?” Dan questioned.

 

“I took the train,” Phil replied with a chuckle. “I forgot to charge my phone so I had it off for most of the ride, which is why I didn’t see your texts till sooner. I’m really sorry.” Phil smiled at him gently and Dan felt something.

 

“Phil?” he questioned, scared that if he talked to loud he’d wake himself up and this dream would be over.

 

“I’m here Dan. Right here, I’m not leaving,” Phil responded, taking Dan’s cold hands in his. “We should get inside, it’s cold.” Dan nodded and they headed inside.

 

As soon as the doors were shut behind them Dan fell apart in Phil’s arms. He clutched his fists in his sweater and he let himself break. The dam holding his feels back suddenly caving in. Phil guided them to the couch so they could sit, not wanting to risk being unable to support Dan’s weight. 

 

Dan ended up in Phil’s lap, still holding onto him for dear life, while he ran his hands down the youngers back and muttered out kind, comforting words. He didn’t try to get Dan to speak, knowing he wouldn’t be able to form the words, instead he hummed lightly to try and keep Dan with him and not off in his head.

 

Eventually Dan pulled back enough to look him in the eyes. Though his own were bloodshot and blurry, he could see the care in Phil’s as they stared back at him. “If you didn’t get my texts then why were you on your way here?” Dan asked.

 

“I couldn’t stand to be away from you for another minute. As soon as you told me your parents were going away I knew as soon as class let out I’d jump on the train. Thing’s just took longer than I’d planned.” Phil kissed his forehead and took his hand.

 

“I feel cared for,” he announced with a soft smile. Phil pulled him into a tight embrace, not wanting to let go. Dan laughed. “Phil, you’re squishing me.”

 

Phil laughed, letting him go. “I meant what I said before, you’re the best person in the whole world.”

 

Dan grinned. “You definitely hold that title, but I’ll settle for second place.”

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this last night because I was having one of my numb episodes and couldn't feel tired so I thought I might as well write. If anyone else experiences this kind of thing I'd love to discuss it in the comments.
> 
> I often write fanfics as a form of therapy for dealing with my shit, if you'd be interested in a certain type of thing like that (Anxiety attacks, dissociation, depression, trauma, etc.) let me know and work on writing a story for it. I really hope that through my own coping I can help someone else cope ^^
> 
> Thanks for reading, and I hope you are all having the best day <3


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